last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
