i permit you to call me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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