You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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