I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.