i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.