Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...