i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
