Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
