He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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