Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
