I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
