And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
