I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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