I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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