Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
