I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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