There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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