Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
