Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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