trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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