I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
