Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize