I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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