Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
