Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
