Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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