Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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