I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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