you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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