i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
