Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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