im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
