sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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