i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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