I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
