so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
