I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize