tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
