I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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