i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
