One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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