For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
