My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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