so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
