We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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