I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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