Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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