you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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