One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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