they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
