I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
