Your tits are I can't wait for
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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