i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
