i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All I want is dick and wine.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
