there's paper in my vomit.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
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Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
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My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!